Full Report: Alex Palazzo

Written by Matthew Harrison


Ms. Palazzo is the first woman we have ever considered accepting into our program. After studying her for this amount of time, we realized why.


Height: 3

Weight: N/A

Age: 92

Mat Equive: 0.0092

To Ms. Palazzo

Thank for your cooperation in ceasing to steal our dogs. The rabbits you took will also need to be returned to pay for the damage to our bathrooms. We ask that you refrain from contacting us for the next few years until the legal investigations have ended. Again we thank you for your time and willingness to participate.

Initial Contact

Alex has a unique personality that does not respond to traditional methods of love. She must be coddled like a crayfish until she is comfortable, then she can be coaxed out of her shell. She wears this shell an oddly high amount of time, and has tan lines on her legs, arms, and face that seem like they will never go away.

When we first observed Alex, she was talking to a tall black man who seemed to be selling her a wig. Upon further observation this was confirmed to be the case. She took the wig home and put it on while singing Sia songs in the mirror.

The second time we saw her she was licking a dogs ear. She proceeded to eat the dogs fur off its back and moan as she swallowed the fur. The dog was ok with this and ever licked it's own fur off for Alex. She seemed happy and the dog had no issues.

Our third encounter was the most expected, as it was after we had evaluated her for BCMI type. She was at a restaurant with her sister and when he check came out, she calculated the tip in her head instantly.

Behavioral Abnormality

Alex Palazzo is a classic type 3 coffee. Symptoms are limited to, but do not include:

Alex exhibits some of these traits but not all. She did, as mentioned earlier, eat her dog's fur, and calculate a tip, but we did not observe her being female.

Alex was especially gifted in the tip calculating area. She was able to pass every test we gave her, including tips from other states and countries. She was familiar with every currency except bitcoin. Ms. Palazzo also know both our names before we met her, but the names were incorrect. We believe she has not developed this ability fully yet.

Past Experience

Alex is a master alchemist and can turn humans into other animals. She accidentally turned her left pinky finger into a bumblebee and lives with the handicap every since. She learned from Nick Mazzone and the Jupiterian Goddess Throughghghgh.

Alex Palazzo has known ties to terrorist Ally Shock, with whom she spent three years of her life wreaking havoc on the island of Madagascar.

Ms. Palazzo was a bit hesitant to share about the portion of her life she spent in prison, as she was in an all swan prison that only housed alligators. She was the ringleadré of a gang called the Bratty Gazebos.

Alex owns 39 cats that she keeps for milk and 4 rabbits she stole from us during our investigation.

Life Story

Alex was born in Prague, but moved to Italy when she turned three to get away from her abusing boyfriend. He would take chicken wings and eat them while the child next door was teething. The abusive part was that she couldn't partake.

In Italy she was married to a man named Alexander Ocosio-Cortest. They were married happily for 9 years until she decided to become a professional powerlifter and divorced him after she gained more muscle on her legs than he had on his entire body.

Alex failed to place in the 2009 Olympics. Enraged, Alex caught a meteorite that was heading towards earth and used her massive legs to push the meteor off course while still holding on to it. She inadvertently was faking her own death and her funeral was attended by 3 mice.

She landed on Jupiter and met her third love, a man named Nicki Mazzone. He was there studying Jupiterian Alchemy and hoped to become the worlds first male female without being transgender. Alex fell madly in love with him and pined for his reciprocation, but Nicki was too busy learning Alchemy to notice or give her any time.

To spite Nicki, Alex went directly to the creator of Alchemy, Goddess Throughghghgh. The goddess taught her all the ancient techniques of Alchemy and Alex became a supervillain. After learning everything there was to know, Alex teleported her mind back to earth and hired a plane to come get her. After realizing planes can't fly in space, she called an albatross from the ice planet Hoth who she had met in Rome and he flew her across the Mexican border.

Once back in the Earthen Boundary Ms. Palazzo was kidnapped very quickly by terrorist Ally Shock. The girls became quick friends after noticing the same bed bug in Alaska and decide to take over Madagascar.

Ally begins calling herself Allyn and the two start a strange relationship of tension and hatred. Alex was jealous of Ally(n)s ability to eat a full bowl of rice in one sitting, so she attempted to murder Ally(n) and escape to India.

While unsuccessful at killing Ally(n), Alex did manage to arrive in India safely. She joined a monastery and learned the art of eating rice, practicing until she could eat fourteen five-gallon buckets in one sitting.

Following these activities, Young Al decided to enroll in chapel field and become a normal American teenager. This is the sorry state we found her in.


Alex is one of the more talented individuals we have looked at. That said, we will refrain from investigation girls until another suitable candidate such as Elizabeth Warren or Hillary Clinton is found.



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