Full Report: Devin Denardo

Written by Matthew Harrison


Mr. Denardo exhibits a number of desirable characteristics for a candidate, but more thorough research must be done into his past life to accurately represent his character is the fullest way possible. He also scored quite low on initial aptitude estimates, but later it was discovered he was high on nutmeg during all evaluations.



Height: 5'3

Weight: 372 stone (982kg)

Shoe size: 14 1/2 European

Coffee #: 17.9

To Mr. Denardo:

Looking into a candidate for our program is an arduous process and even being considered and investigated is an honor most people do not experience. You should be grateful for having the opportunity to be observed by our agents and we have great respect for you.

Initial Contact

The first observation of Mr. Denardo was that he possesses a unique type of intelligence usually only observed in beavers. The problem solving portion of his brain seems to be wired entirely differently than most humans.

Our first experience with him was when we entered the restroom and he was attempting to style his hair in the mirror without using his hands. He seemed intent on getting the hair just the way he wanted it and was eventually successful, to our surprise.

The second encounter was more surprising, however, as we found Devin digging through a large brown bag full of deer hooves. Upon inquiry, we discovered he was searching for his grandmother, who had wandered off and gotten confused. She dialed 911 and naturally Devin intercepted the call and got her approximate location. We watched as he finally pulled his grandmother feet first out of the bag and brought he back home.

Our third encounter worth mentioning is very unusual. We discovered Devin running hands first down a ladder without proper harnessing. We observed him paint a full car, reserve a seat, maintain onions and win.

Behavioral Abnormality

Devin Denardo exhibits type 17 coffee. Symptoms of this include, but are not limited to:

Based on our diagnosis, Mr. Denardo is a classic example of a BCMI type 17. He has every traditional marker down to the tail length within 14 millimeters.

One area Devin did not excel was in the motor skills test. He ran his mile (albeit without knowing he was running a mile), in barely under 2 minutes. He was only able to maintain 177 plates being spun at once on his nose. In addition to this, Devin was only able to breath air up to version 19.4.9, but anything past this he passed out and was unresponsive for approximately 17 minutes.

Past Experience

Though he does not remember it, Devin was one of the most effective snipers during the Great Emu War, racking up 13,792 kills from more than 700 yards with his pistol alone.

Devin was heavily involved in illicit nutmeg use during the early 90s, but has since moved on to safer alternatives such as Fentanyl and Sawdust™.

Mr. Denardo has one 300 year portion of his past we were unable to view, leading us to believe he may be lying about being an immaculate conception. If this is true, it will officially disqualify him from participation and will result in his swift excommunication.

While viewing the part of his file not corrupted by greed, drugs or snipering, we were surprised at the amount of times Devin visited his grandmother. Although we expected some contact, the volume at which they were corresponding raised a major red flag in our investigation.

Life Story

Mr. Denardo began his life at the young age of 7. He was born to 3 loving mothers (nuns), who were the only people who cared about this ugly child that had emerged from the sewer. He was raised with morals and a sense of fashion that led him to drink La Croix sparkling water, while also reading the bible.

He became insanely gorgeous at age 37.

The dichotomy that arose in his life was trying to balance his string moral compass and newly found good looks with his desire to kill emus. As long as her could remember Devin had always abhorred the large birds, in part because they tried to eat him while he was still a child, leaving him with a large scar across his left eyelid. When Devin learned of the Great Emu War in Australia, he faked his own death and rode an albatross across the ocean to join in.

When he arrived in the outback, he realized the Emus were overtaking the troops currently doing their best to fight them off. He ran up to the general of the army and asked him for a gun. The general was happy to oblige but could only find a Sig Sauer p230 handgun. Devin did not let this hold him back however, as he killed 47 birds that day before the sun went down, 13 of which were with bullets we made from his sweat.

Devin had an illustrious career in the army against Emus, but when the war ended and the new enemy was rabbits, (Australia is an idiot), Devin no longer felt his life was leading in that way. He faked his death again, but in the process erased all memories of the Emu War, leaving him to start his life over again in China.

While in China Devin learned how to cook cats, drink rattlesnake pee, and fry everything you can imagine. He returned to the US after 390 years, which is when he realized he was the only person alive. Devin quickly got to work repopulating the world, and in 4 short days the US was back to its old poppingness.

After doing all this good in the world, Devin decided it was time to settle down. He enrolled himself in a program for teens to be reborn as infants, and was born to Mr. and Mrs. Denardo, two lizards on the island of Haiti. It was here Devin realized his true calling was to be a high school student, so he flew to America, leaving his new life with the Denardos behind, and enrolled in Chapel Field.

This is where we studied Mr. Denardo.


Devin Denardo is certainly a fine specimen. He possesses many honorable traits, however, it is unclear if he is yet young enough to be admitted into the service. We will postpone further evaluation until 2059.



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