Full Report: Mike Kelly

Written by Matthew Harrison


Mike has some very interesting skills that could be of use to certain types of people in very specific scenarios. He has no secrets but there are some questionable details we suspect are not as accurate as he claims. Those close to Mike have reported feeling very itchy in his presence, but only when he is between 5 and 3.5 feet away from them, any closer or farther and the itchiness is not noticable.


Hand Measure (pinky to pointer): 3 in

Hand Measure (thumbtip to heel): 17.8 in

Cup Size: 34DD

Nose Length: 36 meteres

Speaker Volume: 99

To Mr. Kelly

Thank you for your many letters and post cards and valentines and snacks and compliments. We appreciate your enthusiasm in being selected as a test subject. Normally people are not as excited as you were when we initially responded to your request to be considered. You should know you are the only subject to ever request admission into our testing program. Thank you for your love and support in this relationship but it isn't going to work anymore. I feel like we've been drifting apart ever since you cheated on me with my mom and I don't think we should be together any more. My dad asked me to tell you to go eat a A.P.P.L.E. and get your head fixed back on correctish. Our condolences.

Initial Contact

Upon our first observation, Mr. Kelly did not respond to lip injections. After 3 hours, we did, however, realize they were making him less hungry, and have now released a cure for world hunger as a result. Mike's body is incredibly resilient and resists Ebola unlike any lab rat we have ever used. This may be a result of his late term birth.

Our first observation of his behavior took place in the cafeteria. Mike was eating a folder full of cream cheese and having a conversation with a Versace rep about his new clothing line. He seemed agitated and eventually we watched him throw his phone at the wall as he yelled, "Speakers aren't people you idiot!" His phone immediately bounced back off the wall and knocked him unconscious.

When we saw Mike for the second time, he was riding his bike through a forest, eating a hamburger. He accidentally ran into a tree, and as a result, dropped his hamburger in a hole. He then dismounted his bike and proceeded to slither headfirst after his sandwich. When he emerged from the hole 75 minutes later, we was covered in ant bites, but was happily munching on his moist sandwich.

The third encounter with Mr. Kelly was by far the most horrifying. It is the single event that prevented us from continuing experimentation on elephants. Mike was walking along the single path when a mouse ran up to him and asked where the bathroom was. Mike pointed the mouse in the right direction and went on with his day.

Behavioral Abnormality

Mike seems to be a perfect mix of type 3 and type 92 coffee. Symptoms of this are limited to:

Based on our diagnoses and the fact that Mike exhibits all of the above characteristics, we have concluded he is certainly BCMI type 3/92. He seems to be the only one in existence and as a result is quite lonely.

The curious thing is that though most BCMI 3s and 92s both are excellent negotiators, Mike failed to rescue the 73 hostages we put him in charge of saving, and they all died. The terrorist holding them, (Ally Shock), commented later, "He seemed slow. Like not to be rude or anything, but when I would give him a demand, he would say something about how we aren't in a Burger King, and I kinda think he is hot."

Past Experience

Though he does not remember it doe to the intense waterboarding, Mike served as one of the first dogs in space. When he returned, he was kidnapped before he could even leave the spacecraft and was tortured for no reason.

Mike has ties to the Russian Barbie doll back market and was a runner for them in the mid 1940s. He was also a flapper and street performer known as Norse Thunder.

Norse Thunder's act consisted of running through a bullpen naked wearing a red jumpsuit (his description). He seems to have very little actual experience outside of being an early cloning subject.

Mike is an advocate for Death by Asphyxiation, a non profit organization dedicated to teaching people the benefits of an oxygen deprivation death. He is one of the organizations keynote speakers and ambassadors, sharing with the world what it is like to die of asphyxiation from first hand experience.

Life Story

Mike Kelly was brought into this world by the stork on October 13, 1912. He was brought to Johnathan and Kelsey Willabeen. They were loving parents and raised him as a girl. At the age of 20, Mike realized he was born a man, and killed both Willabeens as revenge for making him eat pink cake on his 17 birthday. This, we believe, is the cause of his poor negotiating skills.

After committing this brutal murder, where he slowly drowned each one in cotton candy, Mike went on the run for a while. He joined the Australian military and met his lifelong friend Devin Denardo. They met when Devin mistook Mike for an Emu because of his add body metrics and tackled him. When he realized he had a human not an Emu, Devin apologized and explained to Mike the situation. When Devin died, Mike was destroyed, and became addicted to eating sand.

He moved to Iraq, so he could be closer to more sand. Once there, he met his mentor, Jimmy Carter, and was taught Jung Foon. After becoming a master, Mike killed Carter and ran away with his daughter, moving to Kazakhstan. In Kazakhstan he opened his own private practice and taught many students the art of Jung Foon, making alot of money.

When Mike turned 50, he felt his life did not have meaning. He was running for the Russian Barbie doll black market and felt like a criminal all the time. He was sitting alone on a sand bar one night just licking his feelings away, when he was washed out to sea. He floated on his back for 40 days, until he made landfall on an unknown island. Once there he too control of his life, continued training Jung Foon until he could levitate for 3 years at a time, and grew an awesome toe beard.

After 73 years passed, Mr. Kelly finally divorced his sea turtle husband and levitated slowly across the ocean to exact his revenge on the Russian Barbie Kappos. He tied each member to a life sized Barbie doll and left them floating in a vat of turtle pee he had taken from the divorce. Mike then decided to use his newfound knowledge to enrich the minds of American youth. He took job teaching at Chapel Field under the name Mike Switzer, upon realizing Mike Switzer already worked at Chapel Field, he opted to become college professor instead.

Mike recalls one especially moving experience in college. He was teaching a class on primordial meals on wheels when a young dove smashed through the skylight. Mike exposed himself to his students as a master of Jung Foon and rescued the bird. He then took it home and ate it. After teaching for 12 years, Mike finally retired and enrolled in Chapel Field as a 3rd grader. He quickly realized the work the other students were doing in his class was far to advanced for his mind and decided to start in kindergarten. He eventually made his way through to 10th grade, where he was reunited with his old friend Devin. They kissed for 1 full day, as was the custom for old friends, and then both together decided to take on the challenge of high school.


Mike Kelly has a %0 chance of ever becoming a SoundCloud rapper. He lacks the vital face tattoos and lyrical skill it requires. Also years of sand abuse made him deaf in his left tonsil.



th te is pu fo as pu. so fe is th wi ow i ha ev me.