Devin Denardo and redacted

The shovel hit another rock as Devin began his second hole that night. If anything he had heard from the cab driver was true he needed to get this finished by the morning. Daylight brought people, even into the woods, and risking being caught was not an option this time.

Devin finished up as the sun was beginning to peek above the trees. For the first time he looked around at the place he had spent the last few hours. He had picked his location well. The trees were thick and most were dead, but spaced out enough that he could comfortably dig without constantly hitting roots. The forest almost had a certain beauty to it in the morning. The sun filtered through the remnants of dust Devin had kicked up digging and made the air have an ethereal glow.

As he began the walk back to the main road Devin started to think through the events of the night before. It had begun honestly enough: he had taken his required annuual day off. He had decided after the events of the last few years of strange days off to simply go fishing. That may have been his first mistake.

When Devin got in the cab to ride from his camp, he found it odd that he didn't recognize the cab driver. It had always been the same old woman since the first time his boss made him take a day off, when he met the genie of Brisbane and got his superpower to procreate without another person. He initially thought that cabbie might have been off for the day, but thought better of it when the new cabbie said to him, "So, that last ol' bird didn't know how to drive worth a damn did she." Which on its own was not the most telling thing, but he followed it with: "Good thing I killed her."

At this point Devin knew he was in for another crazy day, so he quickly called his insurance company and took out a special day policy designed for extreme trips such as snowboarding in the Swiss Alps or windsurfing an albatross (one of Devin's favorite pastimes). After this he finally spoke and asked the cab driver the following three questions:

"Are you a serial killer?"

"Do you need any help?"

"Have you ever tried squirrel penis? It is actually EXCELLENT with white wine."

The cabbie informed Devin over the course of the ride that he was indeed a serial killer, (for this reason he will be referred to as the killy boi rather than the cab driver or cabbie for the remainder of the story), he did actually need help and was in fact looking for an understudy, and he had not tried squirrel penis but would if Devin contracted to assist him with his next 4 murders, with the possibility of letting Dev go after the second.

Devin agreed because he had already paid for the insurance policy for the day and did not want to waste the money on a boring day where there was little chance of him being killed or arrested. The killy boi began speaking again, this time in a deeper, more sinister voice. "I have a potential job coming up tonight."

As they pulled slowly into the warehouse where the killy boi had his murder lab, Devin began to wonder if he had made the right decision. The warehouse was right in the middle of a small town, surrounded by suburbs, and the killy boi even had to chase three children out of the main area where he kept his shovels and large barrels of acid. This made Devin worry about the sanitaryness of the lab.

They sat down together and the killy boi started explaining the plan to Devin. They would leave once the sun went down and sit outside the target's apartment for 38 minutes, until it was impossible for the target to be awake (in Australia everyone passes out drunk 38 minutes after sundown.) They would then break down the front door and Devin would go inside and open a window to allow the killy boi to climb inside. They would sneak up on the target and his wife laying in bed and roll then up in their blanket then beat them with a giant egg beater they would built out of overcooked eggs. When they were thoroughly dead Devin would take them into the wood, dig 15 holes, and bury the two bodies in one of them. Then he would label them numerically and spin around until he forgot which hole he buried the body in.

The killy boi paused at this point. "You need to make sure you finish by the time the sun rises. The sun brings people who might want to take credit for our perfect crime, and I don't chare glory. Except with you." Then laughed nervously.

Part II

The night unfolded much like Devin expected. They waited until the drunk passout, broke into the house and committed the murder then Devin was dropped off with his instructions to bury the corpses. This brings us to the current moment.

Devin was having slight regrets about his choice of pants, as the "Love Pink" that ran down the left leg was stained with dirt, and these were his favorite Pink brand pants. Other than this, he was slightly sad that his day, which was traditionally the single craziest day of his year, had turned out to be relatively mild.

Dev reached the road and began trying to flag down a cab. A small green car pulled up and he got in. To his surprise, it was the cabbie that had driven him for every single one of his past days off. In surprise, Devin exclaimed "I thought you were dead!"

"You believed that ridiculous man in the yellow taxi? I thought you were smarter than that."

Devin was taken aback. "What do you mean? He wasn't a serial killer?"

"Oh no, he was. He just couldn't kill me. I had an amulet that gave me an extra life when he shot me, I got it from an albatross." the cabbie explained.

Devin thought about it for a moment. He had never known his old cabbie to be a liar, and he was fairly sure the killy boi had lied to him about killing the cabbie, but he couldn't be sure without finding the killy boi and asking him himself. He asked the cabbie to bring him to the address the warehouse was located at.

When they arrived, the old woman got out of the car with him, to Devin's surprise. "I don't think this is safe for you." he told her.

The cabbie laughed. "You really believed me?" The cabbie pulled off a body mask (a full body suit that acts as a mask for the entire person), exposing himself to be the killy boi from the night before. "The two people we killed last night were actually just large cucumbers I disguised as people. The real reason I wanted you here was to kill YOU!"

The killy boi lunged toward Devin, the gleam of death in his left eye, and his left testicle, which had been dislodged when he pulled off the mask and was hanging out of his pants. Devin quickly countered and punched the maniac in the face, before pulling out his gun and shooting him. He slowly tugged on the killy boi's head and found he was wearing another body mask; the killy boi was actually an emu.

"How did I not see it?" Dev asked himself as he got in the cab to drive himself back to base. "Those big birds are always trying to get me."

As he drove back to the battle front, he neglected to look behind him, but if he had, he would have seen that the emu was sitting up and laughing. The first stage had completed. And the first stage has begun.